Psycho City

A short disclaimer: Officially, I have decided to resume regular writings after the exams, but this story warrants a special entry, since it's the first vaguely amusing thing to happen in a fair while.

So. When I got back from Oxford at 2am on Saturday night, there were no empty parking spaces or car-sized patches of pavement anywhere near the house, so I'd driven further down the road and parked on the pavement outside one of the bungalows, being careful not to block anyone's drive or anything like that. I ventured out to my car the following afternoon to find this lovely letter wedged in the driver's door. For those of you reading this using a text-only browser or a mobile device, here is the full text of the letter:

WHEN THERE IS  PARKING
OUTSIDE YOUR PROPERTY
PLEASE DO NOT PARK HERE
AGAIN

THANKYOU

Yes, quite. Thank you, scary elderly couple.

I've tried to preserve the formatting, but you really have to see the thing to appreciate the psychotic vibes it radiates. I mean, just look at the capital letters. The uneven spacing and the huge margins. "AGAIN" threatens remarkably well on a line all of its own.

The only aspect that you can't appreciate over the old information superweb is the quality of the paper. It's good, thick stuff, not your standard laser/copier fare.

When I proudly distributed the photo on I.R.C., the discussion quickly turned to the form that a prospective reply might take. I was considering some kind of ransom note, fashioned lovingly from traditional magazine cutouts.

IF YOU WANT YOUR
PARKING SPACE BACK
DEPOSIT 5 MILLION POUNDS
IN THE WHEELIE BIN
OUTSIDE NUMBER 39

THANKYOU

James's suggestion was, I thought, quite masterfully distasteful:

WHEN THERE IS ROOM
IN THE GRAVEYARD
PLEASE DO NOT TAKE UP HOUSES
OTHER PEOPLE COULD USE

THANKYOU

John suggested simply scrawling "NO" in my own blood on the original letter and returning it. Concise and really quite elegant.

I just wish I wasn't scared of getting arrested.

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